Conflict in any relationship is inevitable. And although it may seem that
completely avoiding all conflict is a good idea, its absence may actually be a
sign of an
unhealthy relationship. Conflict avoidance often means that issues
and anger are being suppressed or unacknowledged, which can lead to tension
accumulating and eventually exploding, damaging or destroying the entire
relationship.
اضافة اعلان
As is the case
with most things in life, balance is key. Learning to argue in a healthy manner
is constructive, and may significantly improve your relationships. This is
particularly the case for romantic relationships, however, healthy conflict
resolution techniques can also be applied to friendships and professional and
family relationships.
When fighting is
good
Although fighting and arguing can be taxing, they can bring many
benefits. First and foremost, conflict is often a sign that both parties care
about the relationship. Sometimes, it is easier to simply avoid problems and
drama, but when you are willing to experience the uncomfortable strain of
arguing, it shows that you value communication and wish to see the relationship
succeed. This can ultimately strengthen a relationship, as it allows for
discussions about disappointments and hopes for the future.
Additionally,
healthy conflict increases the odds of a relationship lasting longer, since
grievances are aired and resolved, instead of swept under the rug or spitefully
addressed. Lastly, in the process of arguing, you will learn new things about
your counterpart, including likes, dislikes, and even deep aspects of their
character and personality, such as their communication style. Note, however,
that these benefits only emerge when arguments are conducted in a healthy way.
When fighting is
bad
When arguments are conducted in a poor manner, negative and sometimes
severe consequences can result. First, unhealthy fighting patterns can take a
toll on physical health. A 2008 study conducted on adults over the course of
two years found that those who were exposed to prolonged bouts of conflict
reported poorer general health and greater functional limitations, while also
suffering from a higher number of health conditions. It is believed that stress
is largely to blame for the effects that conflict has on physical health.
Chronic stress can weaken the immune system, which can make people more
susceptible to infection. Other conditions associated with chronic stress
include headaches, back and neck pain, acne, digestive issues, hair loss, heart
disease, hyperthyroidism, insomnia, and obesity.
Constant fighting and poor conflict resolution
probably have the greatest impact on mental health. Generally speaking, a good
and healthy relationship should improve many aspects of mental health through enhancing
social well-being and building strong connections that act as a buffer against
disorders such as depression. However, if a relationship is unhealthy, it can
have the opposite effect. Numerous studies have repeatedly shown that hostile
fighting and arguing can lead to anxiety, depression, and even eating
disorders.
The negative
mental health impact of unhealthy conflict patterns is especially far-reaching
for children, who are highly susceptible to their environments. When a child is
constantly exposed to hostility between two
parents, it can have long-lasting
effects on their mental health. One 2016 study found that children who are
exposed to hostility experience greater negative emotions, have lingering
tension, and may find it difficult to relate to others. The study also showed
that children’s sense of security can be damaged by tension, leading them to
feel emotionally insecure. This study ultimately concluded that, over time,
children exposed to unhealthy conflict tend to develop depression, anxiety, and
stress.
Destructive
conflict patterns
There are many wrong ways to fight, and avoiding them is of the utmost
importance. Unproductive and potentially harmful methods of arguing can range
from mild to severe. One fighting method that can be harmful is minimizing your
partner’s issues. No matter how mundane it is, your partner, when opening a
conflict, is coming to you with a problem. More often than not, they just want
to be heard and validated. When you minimize their issues, you send the message
that you do not respect them or that they do not matter.
Another common
harmful conflict pattern is blame-shifting, or constantly redirecting blame to
the other person. Shifting blame back and forth or deflecting will not resolve
the issue at hand. Blame-shifting also includes giving the silent treatment,
bring up past issues, or projecting. Although blame-shifting often seems to end
an argument, the underlying issue is still there, often leading to feelings of
resentment. Instead, only bring up your partner’s role in a problem after you
have resolved your contribution.
Two other common
negative conflict strategies are gaslighting and ridiculing. Gaslighting is
when an individual outright denies an accusation, despite the presence of clear
evidence showing them to be in the wrong. It is a way of lying and manipulating
that ultimately leaves their partner questioning reality. Ridiculing can
include insults, put-downs, and mockery, which serve the purpose of belittling
others and making them feel inferior. All of these fighting methods can be
considered emotional abuse, and make a relationship toxic. Similarly, when
fighting devolves into physical violence, it may be time to leave your partner.
If you or someone you know is experience domestic or partner violence, the
UNHCR has a hotline for support (0795546383). You can also access support
through the mobile application Amaali.
How to fight well
The foundation of healthy arguing is built on respect. It is completely
normal to be angry with your partner from time to time. However, whenever you
approach your partner to discuss a problem in the relationship, you should act
with respect to facilitate constructive conversation.
Choose your
words carefully. It is easy to let your emotions get the better of you during
an argument, but speaking clearly and concisely can help improve communication,
which ultimately leads to resolution.
It is also
important to consider your partner’s point of view. Instead of holding
steadfast to your perspective, try to grasp your partner’s side to understand
why they feel the way they do. In order to accomplish this, you will need to
listen with an open mind. While listening, asking questions can also help you
ensure that your interpretation is correct.
In order to be
able to listen in the first place, you should provide an opportunity for the
other to speak. Even if you are the one who has an issue, allowing your partner
to speak allows for more effective communication. You should not interrupt
unless it is to ask for clarification in a polite manner.
Lastly, when you
approach an issue, be sure to frame the problem correctly. Instead of
complaining, demanding, or speaking down to your partner, speak directly and
respectfully, making constructive suggestions and giving gentle feedback. This
can help reduce tension while maintaining respect, to help preserve your
relationship and building it strong for the long run.
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