If you’ve
slept, perchance you have dreamed about an ex and woken up wondering: “What was
that all about?”
The good news for
chronic analyzers: An intense dream about a person you cared about months or
even decades ago does not mean you are secretly pining for them.
Deirdre Barrett, a dream researcher at Harvard University and author of “Pandemic
Dreams” and “The Committee of Sleep” who has a doctorate in clinical
psychology, said a number of factors can spark a dream about an ex-partner.
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“Triggers can
include an anniversary of a death or a breakup or a divorce decree,” she said.
“But dreams can
also be a reaction to how we feel about our present relationships.”
Instead of looking
at dreams about exes as a sign of still being hung up on them or as a signal to
look them up on
social media, Barrett said to think of them as a chance to
examine your current emotions and how you are coping with them.
“The whole idea
that we process deaths or breakups in an ‘all or nothing’ way is deceptive,”
Barrett said.
“Life is a
continuous ‘getting over it’. These things never fully disappear.”
Here, Barrett and
another expert parse the takeaways from three such dreams. To protect the
privacy of both parties, we are using first names only for the dreamers and not
naming their exes.
Tap dancing for attention
Five years after Zach, 31,
broke up with his on-and-off girlfriend of three years in 2014 because of
issues related to dating long-distance, he had a dream about them meeting at
what Zach described as a “magic academy”, like the one in the
TV series “The
Magicians”.
The two were on a great lawn, and Zach heard an old
phonograph playing what he said might have been a love song in the distance. He
began to tap dance, hoping his ex-girlfriend would see him, but she had fallen
asleep on a blanket.
Later, he was in a room inside the academy.
“All the rooms are locked by a magical spell that
can only be broken by the occupant of the room,” Zach said. When he heard a
knock on the door, he opened it to find his ex-girlfriend there.
Zach, who is in another relationship, said he rarely
dreams about his ex-girlfriend and that he woke up wishing that he was at the
magical academy.
According to Barrett, “each room being locked with a
spell only its occupant can break” could be associated with the issues that
Zach and his ex faced by dating long-distance. That Zach woke up wishing he was
at the academy could suggest an openness to reconnecting.
“I would not be amazed to see this dreamer give it”
another chance, she said.
The dream’s mystical quality, Wallace said, suggests
that Zach is seeking a perfect relationship.
“In waking life, we can sometimes delude ourselves
with magical thinking as we try to idealize a romantic relationship rather than
engaging with practicalities,” he said.
Rekindling a relationship
Right around the start of
the pandemic, Justy, 34, said she started having one or two dreams a month
about her ex-husband, whom she divorced in 2014 after two years of marriage.
In one dream, Justy, who is currently single,
arrived at a hotel in the area where her ex grew up. There, she discovered that
he was getting married to someone else. Soon she was surrounded by his family
and friends, who told her that they wished it was her and him getting married
again. Then, Justy and her ex were somewhere else, alone. He was holding her
and saying that he wanted to be with her.
Justy said the dream stayed with her because of how
emotional it felt, despite the fact that she and her ex-husband no longer share
romantic feelings.
“I think a big part of why these dreams started
during the pandemic is there’s this nostalgia for when I was married,” she
said.
“I really liked where my life was at and where my
career was going.”
The past two years have changed so much about our
lives that past relationships may have an added appeal because new ones are
harder to imagine, said Barrett. The dream may be more about a nostalgia for a
time that her ex represents, rather than the person himself.
“Past relationships may have an added appeal as
brand-new ones are harder to initiate right now” because of the pandemic, she
said.
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